Every day we hear scary stories about the victims of gaslighting, but violence can be not only physical but also psychological. We will tell you how to act if you are faced with gaslighting.
In today’s world, where the problem of violence against women is still not solved, one can increasingly hear terms such as ageism, victim labeling, lookism. And if the meaning of these words is clear, other terms denoting types of psychological pressure still raise questions. Its importance is not clear to everyone, although almost everyone has faced this type of psychological violence in real life.
The essence
The term “gaslighting” itself is a kind of psychological violence that means denying the facts that have occurred and making you question your adequacy. That is, the gaslighter (a person whose actions are aimed at you) systematically and regularly denies the adequacy and realism of your perception. These are people who systematically and constantly devalue not only your words but also judgments, experiences, and actions.
The term appeared in the middle of the XX century after the English play “Gaslighting.” “Gas Light”), the main idea of which was to question the adequacy of the protagonist through psychological manipulation.
In an easy form, almost everyone faced such a situation. You must have had a conflict with your opponent, in which you claimed that he repeatedly reproached and insulted you, but the person categorically denied it.
Or when clarifying your relationship with your parents, you said that you never felt support and were always criticized, and in response, you heard that the problem was far-fetched and there was nothing like that. Perhaps in a relationship, you caught a loved one flirting with somebody else, and in response, you were accused of inadequate perception of reality.
What unites these situations is that you were sure of your rightness in all cases, but the words of your opponent made you doubt the correctness and truthfulness of your words and actions.
There are some characteristic signs of gaslighting. Let’s take a look at them.
Characteristics
- The manipulator denies the facts. Always. Even seemingly obvious facts. He’ll also look at you with bewilderment (“What are you doing? It’s never happened, I’ve never done/said it” or: “It’s been like this all my life, you’re confusing something”).
- If you share with a person some of your experiences, emotions, and in return, you get: “You misunderstand everything,” or: “It seems to you that you are depressed. That’s not really true.” The gaslighter will deny your emotions; in addition, he will try to change the topic. For example, you’re trying to convey your thoughts to him, to tell something that bothers you, and he: “Stop yelling at me. Look at yourself. You’ve been skewed out of anger. Who made you so angry?” You are confused, and instead of talking about where you started, you try to prove that you do not scream or get angry at all.
- Gaslighter doesn’t take into account your opinion. Absolutely. It just has no right to exist (“Stop talking nonsense! I won’t even listen to it!”). In addition, you are explained that you cannot be right due to circumstances beyond your control, for example, you are of the wrong sex, age, social status, status (“You are still too small to talk about it” or: “You are a woman/man, you can’t understand it in principle”).
- You need to discuss some very important issue for you, and the interlocutor avoids the conversation by any means. Over time, you hesitate to raise the issue you are interested in. In general, you cease to initiate discussions on any topic, as you are afraid to come across misunderstanding, indifference, and criticism.
- All your successes and achievements are depreciated, and shortcomings, failures, and mistakes, on the contrary, are hyperbolized. Gaslighter will never sincerely rejoice for you and will not support you in your endeavors.
- You are convinced that you are unable to come to a particular thought on your own; you must have been annoyed or confused (“Where do you get such conclusions from? Have you read it on the Internet again? Or did your friends tell you that bullshit?”). In addition, the gaslighter often gives out the victim’s thoughts as his own, despite the fact that he had previously categorically disagreed with them.
- You are often hinted that your “unhealthy forgetfulness” and “excessive excitability and excitement” are most likely caused by your inadequate condition. In other words, the gaslighter is gradually trying to convince you, and often others, that you are literally going crazy (“Your behavior bothers me, maybe you need to consult a specialist,” “Stop, you probably have depression,” “Your condition worries me, remember, your grandmother also had such symptoms”).
- Gaslighter likes to attribute his shortcomings to the victim. The liar will accuse you of lying, the boor – of rudeness.
- The aggressor convinces you that you can’t trust anyone, that everyone, except him, is a liar. For example, a cheating husband turns his wife against her friends and acquaintances so that they do not have the opportunity to open her eyes.
What if you realize that you have encountered manifestations of gaslighting?
The most effective way to get rid of the influence of the gaslighter is to stop any communication with him. However, if you can’t minimize communication for some reason yet, there are a number of rules of behavior with such people.
- Conduct a conversation adhering to your plan. Your point of view is the most important for you. A confident tone and determined attitude are the two main components of successful communication with such people. Doubts, fear, uncertainty is something that absolutely cannot be shown.
- Get back. If a person deliberately offences you, do not consider it shameful to tell him directly about it and ask not to do it again. Often the abuser does not expect such behavior from the victim, and therefore such tactics will help get some time and analyze the situation.
Also, ask an outsider to share an independent opinion. If you are really dealing with a gaslighter, try not to doubt your rightness in communicating; trust only your experience and intuition. It will also not be superfluous to record conversations with him on a voice recorder or video. At a crucial moment, you will not only have an argument that supports your correctness but also an extra opportunity to calm yourself down and make sure that you really heard words that you are in doubt.